I don't feel good

I am tired.

Maybe it is because I have yet to recover fully from my flu. I still do feel cold every now and then, even though it is without the sneezing or coughing.

But then again, it could be because I am mentally disappointed. I am disappointed that my working environment is not performance-based but preference-based. Initially I thought it was just a no-growth kind of working environment, but after talking to other colleagues, it is also a no salary-adjustment environment (of course with exception to the person management prefers). I am seriously disappointed. My efforts are going down the drain - wasted. If that's the case, why am I going to work every day? Even if I tell myself it is for money, I am not satisfied with the answer. Simply because I don't feel monetarily rewarded for my efforts - no salary adjustment upon confirmation, even though I know I have performed above expectations (of my boss).

I've told myself that I am here to clock experience, so I will stay for 1 year. Note: Not gain experience, but to clock, simply because there is nothing much to learn here. But now, this 1 year is increasingly hard to achieve. I know I will still stay, regardless of how I feel. It is just that I will not be happy here.

As if I am not unhappy enough, I have an ex-colleague who is going the extra mile to sms me that she is doing very well in another company (even though I know she may not be all that well-off) and messaging me deliberately via FB that she feels happy that she has left the company and that she pities those who are still with the company. I know she is exaggerating. But I can't help it but feel affected, especially when I gotta face The Preferred One everyday - seeing her defy our dress code, currying favour to the upper management, talk on the phone even during meetings etc etc etc, getting away with everything, simply because she is The Preferred One.

I am disappointed that regardless of work, friendship, family etc etc etc, WHATEVER, I have no control over the outcome. Because I cannot control how people think or act. It takes 2 hands to clap - if I am putting in effort when the other party is not, it is still equivalent to nothing. The conclusion is that no matter how much effort I make, I can still be nothing/ worthless to others (my dear friends and family included). Maybe I should lead the life like a robot - emotionless. Then maybe I wouldn't feel hurt.

My heart aches.

loreal sale

went loreal sale with shan & jia. bought 3 lippies. pleasantly surprised tt 1 of them was mfged on my bday last year. :)

Relaxing 2 hours at the beach

- Woke up
- Ate durian (coz must fight mahjong crowd, so didn't bathe first)
- Bathe
- Ate lunch
- Sat in car with mother and friend to ferry terminal
- Mother went to wrong terminal, thinking it is the correct one
- Referred to street directory
- Got irritated with mother coz she attempted to heed directions of a caller, whom doesn't know where is our position
- Finally managed to direct mother to correct ferry terminal
- Drove car away aimlessly
- Found beach. Happy. Got out.
- Pictures below

The sun is good. :)

Found myself a good spot

Can see planes fly by too. This one flew a bit higher, those that flew low I can see their "exhaust pipes". During my 2 hours' stay, I saw at least 20 planes flew pass, no joke.

I swear some of the sand was glistering in the sunlight.

People enjoying a relaxing day at the beach

I am relaxing too. :)

Armed with a book

I then decided to attempt to take artistic shots of myself

Erm.. Apparently I failed.

Nevertheless I enjoyed myself. :) Hopefully I will go to the beach again some time soon.

Its a date!

On Monday, I had a date -- with myself!!

I have spoken to a couple of people who recommended going to the movies by myself. They said that it was an experience. Generally the whole idea is to be comfortable by myself and to just enjoy the movie, or whatever I was doing, rather than be bothered by what I think others were thinking about me. Agreeing that my own pleasure is more important than some other stranger's opinion, I've decided to take myself out for a date.

I have decided to watch "School Days with a Pig". 1 thing good about watching movies myself is that I need not consult others on what show I want to watch. It is a Japanese show and is only screened at Cathay Cineleisure and Cathey AMK Hub. And I itchy backside, went to Cineleisure to watch.

I was excited the whole morning, and even the night before. I even painted my nails, ironed my dress, and put on makeup. I had used my new blusher, which I've ordered online. It is blusher from NARS in Super Orgasm. Yes, Orgasm is not enough for me, must Super Orgasm. Actually the fact is that I kiasu and thought that Super Orgasm is better Orgasm. The difference between the 2 colours is that Super Orgasm has more golden sparkles or flakes than Orgasm. The colour is nice, but it resembles my steal from The Body Shop warehouse sale. I regretted being kiasu.

Although watching movie alone a small thing, not everyone is able to do it. Like me, I am 26 this year and it is the first time I am going to the movies myself. It is just like eating alone. For many of us, me included, we shun from eating alone, being self-conscious that eating alone somehow makes us a loser. However, the fact is not so. How many a times did we notice people eating alone? How many times did we notice people watching movies alone? Sure, there will be a few times, but definitely not all the time. Hence there is no reason to be ashamed of or feel uncomfortable about. In fact, it is supposed to be therapeutic. It is spending time alone = me time.

Returning back to my first movie with myself, to be honest, I felt slightly uneasy as I was walking towards Cineleisure. I felt even more conscious when I was queueing for the ticket - again, I had the concern if the people (not person) behind me is going to talk about me, saying that I am alone watching a weird movie. (The title is weird by itself) I can feel myself getting more self-conscious as I noticed people queuing in groups and buying like 6 tickets in a shot. Secretly, I chided myself for choosing to come on a Monday which follows a public holiday Friday (more people taking leave) and for choosing to watch the movie at Cineleisure. I braved myself and finally managed to get my ticket. I was so self-conscious that I tore the ticket off the counter myself, hoping that the people behind me will not notice that I have only bought 1 ticket.

I felt kinda proud of myself (honest!) as I tuck my ticket into my wallet. Feeling a bit thirsty, I bought Gloria Jeans's Cookies and Cream to be brought smuggled into the cinema. It pays to bring a big bag. Again, when entering into the cinema, I was self-conscious again as I have minor concerns that the guy tearing my ticket would think I am a loser for going to the movies myself. Apparently he did not show, or he did not bother. I think it is likely going to be the latter. As I found and settled down in my seat, I noticed that there was another guy who was watching the movie himself. I felt comforted.

After a while, I got comfortable and was starting to enjoy the show.

Synopsis:
Young and passionate primary teacher wanted to convey what is life and eating all about to his last year graduating students. As a result, he brought a pig to the school, wanting his students to rear it and eat it when it grows up. The class named the pig P-chan. And as time passes, they developed feelings for the pig and there was a debate as to what they are going to do with the pig.

Children were debating if P-chan should be sent to the meat centre or if P-chan should be taken over by younger students.
The concerns were
- the younger students are capable of taking care of such a big pig (grown up by then).
- It is irresponsible for the graduating student to force the younger students to decide later if P-chan should be sent to the meat centre
- It will be cruel to kill P-chan
- It is cruel to kill P-chan as food but not other pigs?
- It is cruel to kill pigs but not other animals?
- P-chan's purpose in living is to be eaten and humans need to eat to live
- The graduating students prefer to send P-chan to the meat centre themselves if ultimately the younger students were to send P-chan there
- it is irresponsible to pass the responsibility to others if the graduating students are unable to take care of P-chan
etc etc etc

Ultimately the class decided to sent P-chan to the meat centre. I wetted 2 tissues while watching the show. All of the students loved P-chan, but they had their reasons in sending P-chan to the meat centre.

My eyes were actually partially red after the movie. (And my hair was messy)

Coz I cried quite a bit

Nevertheless, I am still glad that I watched my first solo movie.

I related to Jiexi about what I've done. She -ed after getting to know what's the movie about. I agreed with the . Apparently I had choosen the wrong movie. Initially I thought that the movie is going to be heart-warming as it was rated G and it generally a show with children in it. Apparently I was wrong. But I still think that the movie was ok. I felt a sense of personal achievement as I walked out of the cinema. After watching my first solo movie, I find that, it is really no big deal. I have enjoyed my movie and that's important.

I shall do this again! (erm, at a more accessible cinema)

As a momento, I've bought this piggy pouch cum hp accessory.

Its been a loooooooong time

It has been a loooooooooooooooooooooooong time since I last blogged. I am back! Hahaa. Probably coz I have more time now. I have left my company, so I am officially unemployed. Speaking of my company, I was totally disappointed at how the company treat me.

I actually saw an ad for my position posted on jobsdb, and I wasn't informed about it. I felt betrayed and made used of as I had stayed with the company out of sheer goodwill when there was ZERO executive left in the department. Out of sheer goodwill, I stayed for like 3-4 months more. I am not expecting my company to offer me a permanent position, but at least inform me about the ad. Apparently it does not pay to be kind in the corporate world. Anyway, all these are over.

Hopefully I will be able to find a company which does appreciate goodwill and responsible staff. Wish me luck!

For the time being, I am planning to take a mini break first and start my job hunting slow. Firstly I would like to focus more on my personal well-being. My last job had left me tired and stressed with a severally outbreaking face. And when I say severally, I literally mean severally. I am even popping pimples on my neck. I hope my zits will slowly subside. Haiz.

For a start, I am keen to learn yoga. I would like to restart having Japanese lessons as well. But I have limited re$ource$. Maybe I should go teach tuition at tuition centres. I also plan to tidy up my room, which is in a very very VERY messy state right now. Currently on my computer desk, I have facial products, comics, disposable panties, hair products, massager, Breath Right, bracelets, nail clipper, files.. and the list goes on. A picture paints a thousand words. I will give 2!



I want to iron all my clothes and organise my cupboards too. I want to sleep till the cows come home.... Aaa.. Wait, I am already doing that!

=====================================

Went KTV with Shan and Jia on Tuesday (if I remembered correctly, all those sleeping made me lost track of time). Sang though I was really nasal coz of my flu and cough, which lasted for like 1 week and counting. I think my voice sounded weird and weak. We MUST go sing again!!!

No photos as they are with Sijia and Huishan. David (Sijia's bf) recorded a few vids as well. See if Jia manages to send them to me.

Happy New Year

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Hope this year will be good for all! :D

我还活着真是个奇迹

Today I got the urge to quote a line from a Korean drama, 十九岁的清纯. The line is "我还活着真是个奇迹", from the leading actor's mother.

Disclaimer: You DON'T have a right to judge me if you think I am just being drama.

I am really stressed and not ventilated. One of my weaknesses is that I care too much about everything. So I am affected by everything. I am affected when my mother relates my work woes to my auntie. I am affected when my auntie boasts about her daughter - which is a daily affair; because there is always a chance that my mother will say something bad about me.

Today I went to pray to Confucius and stupidly donated $50 instead of $2. I was quite affected to be honest, because $50 can equate to around a week's lunch. There I was trying to self-talk myself that it is ok, because the temple will be able to put he $50 to a good cause, because I will be blessed; because I am doing a good deed. For the whole day I was trying to be ok and all my efforts were flushed down the drain when my mother commented that no one donates money just like that without looking. OK, I am stupid, so what?

I am already very vexed from work - constantly worrying that I will be asked to leave the company; constantly worrying that the next thing I do is not acceptable. I don't relate my woes to my mother because I don't like the fact that she spreads the fact that I am not doing well. I especially mind when she spreads to my auntie, who thinks that her daughter is the BEST. I am looking for console, but yet I can't get that anywhere. I try to oppress my own discomfort. But I guess that's ok, because ultimately I still have to deal with it myself.

To the people I care about, it seems that I am never the best regardless of how I perform or what I do. I am always just a spare.

I worry about finance as well. Maybe I should start to teach tuition.

Generally, I feel vexed, discouraged and down. How can I make myself feel better? By improving myself holistically? Or I shall just hack care? My heart hurts.