I am not ok

It is 2.20am in the morning and I am still not asleep. A sign that I am uncomfortable and stressed.

Uncomfortable because today is the first day I returned back to work. Maybe because I have sat the whole day, my lower abdomen feels swollen. My inner (my womb maybe?) is hurting as well. I might have caught the flu bug from my sister, so my nose is a bit runny. My back aches too.

Stressed apparently because of work. I feel that everyone 等著看我死, which might be true in my company's context. The people I am constantly in contact with have a tendency to harp on one's errors. Apparently I made many. Basically, there are no room for errors. Even a careless mistake can be exaggerated and harped on pretty constantly. And news spread very fast and efficiently.

I was told since young that everyone makes mistakes, as long as you don't repeat them, it is fine. Now things are different. To begin with, don't even make mistakes. I am trying so hard not to make any mistakes, but apparently in vain. For certain issues, I am only given time to do it right the first time.

I am also very worried about "under currents" in the company. I am unsure if I will one day be backstabbed. And I am not ventilated -- I talk lesser to people about my problems. Who can I turn to anyway? I used to believe that "Life sucks because you made it suck"; but now, somehow, I am more inclined towards believing that "Life sucks". Haiz. I am stressed. :(

PS: When I say I am stress, I am really stressed. It takes quite a bit for me to admit that I am stressed.

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Heard 《你不是真正的快乐》 from Huishan's blog. Went to find the lyrics online. Feel that I can relate to the song.

人 群中 哭著 你只想變成透明的顏色
你再也不會夢 或痛 或心動了
你已經決定了 你已經決定了

你 靜靜 忍著 緊緊把昨天在拳心握著
而回憶越是甜 就是 越傷人了
越是在 手心留下 密密麻麻 深深淺淺 的刀割

你不是真正的快樂 你的笑只是你穿的保護色
你決定不恨了 也決定不愛了
把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

這 世界 笑了 於是妳合群的一起笑了
當生存是規則 不是 你的選擇
於是妳 含著眼淚 飄飄盪盪 跌跌撞撞 的走著

你不是真正的快樂 你的笑只是你穿的保護色
你決定不恨了 也決定不愛了
把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

你不是真正的快樂 你的傷從不肯完全的癒合
我站在你左側 卻像隔著銀河
難道就真的抱著遺憾一直到老了 然後才後悔著

你值得真正的快樂 你應該脫下你穿的保護色
為什麼失去了 還要被懲罰呢
能不能就讓 悲傷全部 結束在此刻 重新開始活著

Oh yeah!

I just went for my checkup today. The lab results shows that I am NOT suffering from Endometriosis. OH YEAH! Meaning I need not go through long term medication and injections.

From my operation, 2 left ovarian cystic fragments 2.3 and 4.0cm, together with 4.0 X 3.5 X 2.0cm were removed. The lab test showed them to be serous cystadenofibroma. Very chim right. I also think so.

Serous cystadenofibroma is simply serous cystadenoma with fibroma. Meaning it is a combination cyst. Serous cystadenoma is one of the commonest non-cancerous cysts, among 60 different types.

Serous cystadenoma contain fluid rich in protein, resembling blood serum; often there are papillary or finger-like growths inside the cyst wall. In 15% of patients, cysts are found in both ovaries. The risk of developing into cancer at a later stage is as high as 30%.

Source: Handout from Dr Fong

I am glad that my cyst is removed early.

After the Operation

Hello peeps, thanx a lot for all the smses and phone calls and tagboard messages and offline messages. I am fine. :)

After removing the cyst, Dr Fong mentioned to my mother that it doesn't look like the typical chocolate cyst. Though I know I shouldn't doubt my gynae's professional judgement, I am still going to wait till the results are out on Tuesday before I concluded that I am not going to go for longterm medication and injections.

Other than feeling super drowsy and moving super slowly (like an expecting mother), I am generally fine with my wounds still hurting a bit. Coz of this op, I had to regretfully miss several events, eg steamboat at YY's and of coz Bintan trip. Haiz. When will I go for my next holiday?

Anyway, took some pics when I was really boh liao in the hospital.

Pic of hamper from my company (pic taken from my bed)
Love the Tigger balloon. :D I think that it helps to brighten up my dull room a bit.

My drip (apparently can't show my drainage -- my cyst removing wound)

Sister brought me 橘子 pouch from cartoon 我們這一家. Love it! :D

As you can see, I really love it. (Trying not to act sick)

Yes, a bit 臉色蒼白 when stopped trying to act healthy. My mum was nearly scared out of her wits when I started crying when I came out of the Operating Theatre. I cried coz I was feeling numb and super cold (my teeth were chattering), I was even worrying that I can't get down the operating theatre bed to get onto my ward bed. Needless to say, my 臉色 was more 蒼白 than this.

But don't worry, I will be fine. (yes yes, I still can 自戀 means that I am still ok)

Initally I still brought home some work, thinking that I will be up on my feet the next day. Apparently no such luck. Even blogging such a short entry like this tires me out with bodyaches and all. I think I will be napping soon. =/

After the operation, sleeping becomes my favourite hobby, porridge and fish becomes my favourite food, and painkillers, Yoko Yoko and my pig head are my best friends. (pig head = the Minitoon massage stick. see below for illustration)

Pic taken from Minitoon website

Ok, its napping time!

Updates

Herm.. Noticed that I haven't been blogging for quite some time (and also shun bian waiting for my nail polish to dry). So here are the updates:

Health-related
As some of you might have known, I was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst sometime back. I just went for a 2nd checkup and scan last Tuesday (30 September 2008). Result is that I will need a keyhole operation, which is going to be on the coming Thursday, 9 October 2008. The reason being that the operation needs to be done between my periods.

My cyst did not shrink, instead, it grew 7mm over a period of 3 months. Hence, my gynae told me that I could be suffering from Endometriosis. This condition is strongly related to infertility and has a high chance of reoccurance. Hence, if my cyst is really endometriotic (only will know after my gynae sends my cyst for test), I will be required to take medication for 6 months to fake menopause (meaning no periods), and then take hormone injections until I am married to prevent endometriosis from reoccuring. Why until I am married is because endometriosis is usually controlled after pregnancy due to the constant high levels of female hormones produced in pregnancy.

Had another attack of "left appendix pain". :( Note: Appendix is situated on the right, but my left is hurting simply because of the cyst. The cyst is also causing backache and "gastric pain" (pain in between S and Y), because it is situated near my big intestine, during my period. Generally when my period comes, I suffer whole bodyaches. Sometimes so bad that I can't sleep at night.

Because of my surgery, I am also forced to opt out of Bintan trip, which is supposed to be on 25th to 27th October (the golden long weekend). *sad but there is nothing I can do* Huishan comforted me in telling me that there will be other chances where I can go on holiday with them. I told her that I would love to go on holidays with them, but judging on my luck, I think maybe I might have other problems then. [Yes, I am pessimistic, but honestly speaking, I don't think anyone in my shoes will not be, and I am not just referring to cyst problem.]

Source: http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/diseases/facts/endometriosis.htm

Work-related
So far everything is fine -- my colleagues and bosses are friendly. But I still have a lot to learn.

I have finally reached a conclusion last night. There are a million and one things I can't control. Including how people feel and think, my health, and what's going to happen in the next second. But there is always one single thing I can control. I can control my working attitude though I can't control how my boss thinks about me. (Not that she don't like me; it is just a statement) Hence in a way, I can control my career.

Therefore, I've decided to be more career-orientated. I think that this is probably one of the few areas whereby effort can be equated to results. But then again, not all careers generate efforts into results. A good example would be my working as a recruitment agent in the past. For sales job I still think that luck plays a very important role. For my current job, I think and hope that my efforts will most probably pay off.

I am getting a job!

On the 9 Sept, I will be getting a 6 months contract job. :D Yipeeeeeeeeee~~~

Actually I applied for a permanent position, but honest me told the HR about cyst in ovary problem. So, she offered me 6 months contract, convertible to permanent position. *happy* :)

I've decided

I've decided to go work as a temporary staff while waiting for my 2nd checkup at my gynae. I think this would be the best way out, in case I need to remove my cysts. Hopefully the company which is offering me temporary position will give me a good rate.

Sianz

Just came back from an interview. Feeling quite sianz now -- met another bad agent today; or rather, I just realised that this agent is bad. Seriously don't know if it is coz I am super sway.

The interview was okay and everything. I appreciate the job offering lots of exposure and learning opportunities (even though the pay not very high). The only thing which I am slightly uncomfortable with is that I have this worry that the permanent staff might expect my working style to be similar to the girl I am going in to replace. She is from SMU and works on a permanent part-time basis, when she is on holiday she will return to the company to help out. If I am not wrong she is with the company for around 1-2 years already. So, my worry that they might do comparison is definitely not unfound. Moreover she might be return to the company if there are major projects. From my experience with GMP, I have already learnt that if the supervisors don't like you, that means they don't like you, no matter how hard you try. A bit sad, but that's the way it is.

Reverting back to the "agent story". I have 2 more interviews on Wednesday and I told the company and the agent that I will only be able to give an answer on Friday. The company said okay; the agent actually has the cheek to say "it is not fair for the company". Generally in a nutshell, he is trying to suggest that I should NOT go for the 2 other interviews because I "can't have the best of both worlds". Oh pleaseeeee, firstly the company has not offered me yet; secondly it is ethically wrong to discourage candidates from going to other interviews. Needless to say, I was pissed. I then told the agent that it is not fair for me if I don't go for the 2 other interviews.

Apparently I was seriously irritated, so I called Li'an to complain. Even after whining to her, I wasn't satisfied, so I told my mother over lunch. Somehow, she got the wrong idea that I went for interview that the agency this morning and started to scold me saying that I shouldn't go to agents if I am uncomfortable with them and that I need not tell the agent that I am going for other interviews blah blah blah. To be honest, I am already very stressed up with her job not being stable already, which really explains why I am so keen to look for a job. I just wanted to whine, is it so hard for her to listen only? Seriously sianz.

Was telling Li'an that I feel so sianz and tired that I got the impression that I feel that I am reaching the end of my life, even though I am only 25.

Hopefully tomorrow's session at the gynae will bring me good news. Hope I don't need to take MC for too long. Best if I don't need surgery. Simply because seemingly the company I went to this morning is not keen to wait (not under agent's influence; point brought across to me by manager). Went out with Jasyln last Saturday, told her about my condition. She was a bit shocked that I am not worried about the cyst. Although there is nothing much to worry, come to think about it -- maybe I was too sianz to worry.

Where is my "best friend"?

It was a looooooooooooooooooooooong time ago since I last saw my "best friend". Her name is 小紅. Since I am missing her terribly, I decided to seek advice from my GP, Dr Chua.

Dr Chua is seriously a very good doctor, very experienced and he is very elaborate in his explanation. We trust him a lot. In fact, many a times, he was the one who found out and suggested that we need more specialised attention. For example, my mother's cyst near her liver, which was taken out 2 years ago.

This time is not an exception too. When he got to know that my 小紅 hasn't been visiting for such a long period of time, he made me go for an ultrasound scan. Though I am definitely not pregnant, this marks my first ultrasound scan. He suspected that there are cysts inside my womb or that the lining of my womb is thick, which might results in cancer in the future.

Result of the scan - My womb's lining is of okay thickness, but I have a cyst at my left womb/ ovary, measuring 4cm by 4.2cm by 5cm. Good news is that cysts are normally benign, so not a problem. Though it is not exactly a big cyst, it is not small enough to be completely ignored. If a cyst is smaller than 3cm, it is considered to be "safe". For my case, since it is bigger than 3cm, I can choose to go for an ultrasound scan regularly to check on the cyst (at around once or twice a year), or I can do something to remove it.

Possible (not going to happen for sure) complications include further growth of the cyst and that the cyst might cause pain if my healthy tissues get attached/ stucked onto it. Dr Chua further explained that this is possible when the cyst (round in shape with a stalk-like tip) moves and results in my tissues being entwined together with the "stalk".

So, conclusion is that I am going to see a gynae, Dr Fong, this coming Tuesday. He was the one who delivered me and my sister. So, he is also very experienced. He had appeared in some shows too. As I am not working now, I am actually pretty concerned with the gynae bill and initially wanted to go KK hospital or something. Dr Fong is practising at Glenneagles, meaning he is rather expensive too. Dr Chua then joked that I should tell Dr Fong that I was delivered by him, so he should give me discount. Hahah~! Anyway, Dr Chua still referred me to Dr Fong since he is a very experienced gynae and that he is my mother's gynae.

With regards to 小紅, Dr Chua has given me some hormone pills. However this is only a one time kind of treatment. For long term treatment, I will have to consult Dr Fong, who I can say now, is our family gynae. Dr Chua mentioned that I should lose weight to curb 小紅 problem, which is what YZ told me once. Okayyy, I am officially starting my weight loss plan.

To be honest, for unknown reasons, I am actually very shy to admit that I am on a weight lossing plan. I always think that it is very embarrassing to admit that you are trying to lose weight. But then again, in our society, who isn't trying to lose weight? Even those stick-thin ladies are trying to lose weight. Nevermind, I shall try to face my embarrassment problem. Apparently first step by admitting on my blog. But please don't come asking me about it ok, especially when you are a guy. Girls I don't mind so much.

Hopefully, my complexion will improve as my relationship with 小紅 improves.

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Everyday we learnt something new. Today I learnt why banana is considered to be an erotic fruit. Guidance from Huishan and Yiying. Huishan tried to convince me that banana is erotic by explaining step by step, using Pan Weibo's appearance at 娛樂百分百 as an example. Yiying simply told me explicitly. Knowledge gained. Hahha~

Before today, I always thought of banana as just a yellow fruit 黃色 in relation to it being a 色色的水果. After today I shall see it in another light. Perhaps I will be reminded of today's "lesson" when I eat banana. Maybe I will burst out in laughter then. LOL.