我还活着真是个奇迹

Today I got the urge to quote a line from a Korean drama, 十九岁的清纯. The line is "我还活着真是个奇迹", from the leading actor's mother.

Disclaimer: You DON'T have a right to judge me if you think I am just being drama.

I am really stressed and not ventilated. One of my weaknesses is that I care too much about everything. So I am affected by everything. I am affected when my mother relates my work woes to my auntie. I am affected when my auntie boasts about her daughter - which is a daily affair; because there is always a chance that my mother will say something bad about me.

Today I went to pray to Confucius and stupidly donated $50 instead of $2. I was quite affected to be honest, because $50 can equate to around a week's lunch. There I was trying to self-talk myself that it is ok, because the temple will be able to put he $50 to a good cause, because I will be blessed; because I am doing a good deed. For the whole day I was trying to be ok and all my efforts were flushed down the drain when my mother commented that no one donates money just like that without looking. OK, I am stupid, so what?

I am already very vexed from work - constantly worrying that I will be asked to leave the company; constantly worrying that the next thing I do is not acceptable. I don't relate my woes to my mother because I don't like the fact that she spreads the fact that I am not doing well. I especially mind when she spreads to my auntie, who thinks that her daughter is the BEST. I am looking for console, but yet I can't get that anywhere. I try to oppress my own discomfort. But I guess that's ok, because ultimately I still have to deal with it myself.

To the people I care about, it seems that I am never the best regardless of how I perform or what I do. I am always just a spare.

I worry about finance as well. Maybe I should start to teach tuition.

Generally, I feel vexed, discouraged and down. How can I make myself feel better? By improving myself holistically? Or I shall just hack care? My heart hurts.