Uncomfortable because today is the first day I returned back to work. Maybe because I have sat the whole day, my lower abdomen feels swollen. My inner (my womb maybe?) is hurting as well. I might have caught the flu bug from my sister, so my nose is a bit runny. My back aches too.
Stressed apparently because of work. I feel that everyone 等著看我死, which might be true in my company's context. The people I am constantly in contact with have a tendency to harp on one's errors. Apparently I made many. Basically, there are no room for errors. Even a careless mistake can be exaggerated and harped on pretty constantly. And news spread very fast and efficiently.
I was told since young that everyone makes mistakes, as long as you don't repeat them, it is fine. Now things are different. To begin with, don't even make mistakes. I am trying so hard not to make any mistakes, but apparently in vain. For certain issues, I am only given time to do it right the first time.
I am also very worried about "under currents" in the company. I am unsure if I will one day be backstabbed. And I am not ventilated -- I talk lesser to people about my problems. Who can I turn to anyway? I used to believe that "Life sucks because you made it suck"; but now, somehow, I am more inclined towards believing that "Life sucks". Haiz. I am stressed. :(
PS: When I say I am stress, I am really stressed. It takes quite a bit for me to admit that I am stressed.
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Heard 《你不是真正的快乐》 from Huishan's blog. Went to find the lyrics online. Feel that I can relate to the song.
人 群中 哭著 你只想變成透明的顏色
你再也不會夢 或痛 或心動了
你已經決定了 你已經決定了
你 靜靜 忍著 緊緊把昨天在拳心握著
而回憶越是甜 就是 越傷人了
越是在 手心留下 密密麻麻 深深淺淺 的刀割
你不是真正的快樂 你的笑只是你穿的保護色
你決定不恨了 也決定不愛了
把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼
這 世界 笑了 於是妳合群的一起笑了
當生存是規則 不是 你的選擇
於是妳 含著眼淚 飄飄盪盪 跌跌撞撞 的走著
你不是真正的快樂 你的笑只是你穿的保護色
你決定不恨了 也決定不愛了
把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼
你不是真正的快樂 你的傷從不肯完全的癒合
我站在你左側 卻像隔著銀河
難道就真的抱著遺憾一直到老了 然後才後悔著
你值得真正的快樂 你應該脫下你穿的保護色
為什麼失去了 還要被懲罰呢
能不能就讓 悲傷全部 結束在此刻 重新開始活著
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