Happy New Year

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Hope this year will be good for all! :D

我还活着真是个奇迹

Today I got the urge to quote a line from a Korean drama, 十九岁的清纯. The line is "我还活着真是个奇迹", from the leading actor's mother.

Disclaimer: You DON'T have a right to judge me if you think I am just being drama.

I am really stressed and not ventilated. One of my weaknesses is that I care too much about everything. So I am affected by everything. I am affected when my mother relates my work woes to my auntie. I am affected when my auntie boasts about her daughter - which is a daily affair; because there is always a chance that my mother will say something bad about me.

Today I went to pray to Confucius and stupidly donated $50 instead of $2. I was quite affected to be honest, because $50 can equate to around a week's lunch. There I was trying to self-talk myself that it is ok, because the temple will be able to put he $50 to a good cause, because I will be blessed; because I am doing a good deed. For the whole day I was trying to be ok and all my efforts were flushed down the drain when my mother commented that no one donates money just like that without looking. OK, I am stupid, so what?

I am already very vexed from work - constantly worrying that I will be asked to leave the company; constantly worrying that the next thing I do is not acceptable. I don't relate my woes to my mother because I don't like the fact that she spreads the fact that I am not doing well. I especially mind when she spreads to my auntie, who thinks that her daughter is the BEST. I am looking for console, but yet I can't get that anywhere. I try to oppress my own discomfort. But I guess that's ok, because ultimately I still have to deal with it myself.

To the people I care about, it seems that I am never the best regardless of how I perform or what I do. I am always just a spare.

I worry about finance as well. Maybe I should start to teach tuition.

Generally, I feel vexed, discouraged and down. How can I make myself feel better? By improving myself holistically? Or I shall just hack care? My heart hurts.

27 Oct 2008

Smile, it is 27 Oct 2008. Yes, it is my birthday today. 1 year older, hopefully 1 year wiser. ：）

For the first few hours of my birthday, I was doing this:

and

Not as pro as Xiaxue, but I tried. Sister said there were too many blank spaces. =/ I was worried that my crystals will not be enough so spaced out the crystals.

When my sister saw me pasting the crystals
Sis: You learning from Xiaxue ar?
Me: Something like that. *Pause* No, it is learning from her.

I must admit that although I am not a fan of Xiaxue, she does have some good ideas and I think decorating gadgets with crystals is one of them. After my trying, I think it is quite fun, just that it takes up quite a bit of time. I am not decorating my phone because I am starting to develop 虚荣心, meaning I am keen to change phone, not because it is not functioning but because I want a new phone. =X Still byo-ing for a good phone. Jiexi suggested getting a business phone. *considering*

In the afternoon, went Jack's Place for lunch with Mummy and Shimei. Why Jack's Place? Coz I figured out that I have limited oriental choices. Afterall how wrong meat can go wrong? Hahah..

In the morning
Mummy: What you want to eat?
Me: Aaa.. We go eat lor mee lah..
Mummy: You can eat lor mee meh?
Me: Why cannot?
Mummy: I don't know what ingredients they use.
Me: Erm.. Ok loh. Then we go eat Jack's Place loh.

Me and Mummy at Jack's Place

My Latte

Shimei's bag (not very pretty but she like =.=")

My 2nd birthday kiss :D First was from mummy. (pardon my out-of-bed hair)

AWWW~~~ So cute! (pardon my messy bed)

I 自恋-ed

Met Jiexi for dinner :D

Eating desserts at Anderson's

We love each other! (No we are both not lesbians and we will never be)
I told Jiexi that I look like 烧鸡 and she 白斩鸡. =.="
Modified version: I am 卤蛋 and she is 水煮蛋. Hahah~

My present from Jiexi (thanx gal! :D)

Our desserts. *yum!*

What do I do when I get home? Give my Hersheys Baby some tender loving care!

Aaa.. NG1. Can't see Hersheys

NG 2. No full pic of Hersheys

NG3. Blur pic

NG4. both our faces got cut

Yeah! Finally a more decent pic!

PS: I was wearing green contacts but apparently not obvious.

Cake cutting time!

Me with my cake :)

Mummy and me

Me and Shimei

Thank you all for your wishes! :)

I am not ok

It is 2.20am in the morning and I am still not asleep. A sign that I am uncomfortable and stressed.

Uncomfortable because today is the first day I returned back to work. Maybe because I have sat the whole day, my lower abdomen feels swollen. My inner (my womb maybe?) is hurting as well. I might have caught the flu bug from my sister, so my nose is a bit runny. My back aches too.

Stressed apparently because of work. I feel that everyone 等著看我死, which might be true in my company's context. The people I am constantly in contact with have a tendency to harp on one's errors. Apparently I made many. Basically, there are no room for errors. Even a careless mistake can be exaggerated and harped on pretty constantly. And news spread very fast and efficiently.

I was told since young that everyone makes mistakes, as long as you don't repeat them, it is fine. Now things are different. To begin with, don't even make mistakes. I am trying so hard not to make any mistakes, but apparently in vain. For certain issues, I am only given time to do it right the first time.

I am also very worried about "under currents" in the company. I am unsure if I will one day be backstabbed. And I am not ventilated -- I talk lesser to people about my problems. Who can I turn to anyway? I used to believe that "Life sucks because you made it suck"; but now, somehow, I am more inclined towards believing that "Life sucks". Haiz. I am stressed. :(

PS: When I say I am stress, I am really stressed. It takes quite a bit for me to admit that I am stressed.

=======================================

Heard 《你不是真正的快乐》 from Huishan's blog. Went to find the lyrics online. Feel that I can relate to the song.

人 群中 哭著 你只想變成透明的顏色
你再也不會夢 或痛 或心動了
你已經決定了 你已經決定了

你 靜靜 忍著 緊緊把昨天在拳心握著
而回憶越是甜 就是 越傷人了
越是在 手心留下 密密麻麻 深深淺淺 的刀割

你不是真正的快樂 你的笑只是你穿的保護色
你決定不恨了 也決定不愛了
把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

這 世界 笑了 於是妳合群的一起笑了
當生存是規則 不是 你的選擇
於是妳 含著眼淚 飄飄盪盪 跌跌撞撞 的走著

你不是真正的快樂 你的笑只是你穿的保護色
你決定不恨了 也決定不愛了
把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

你不是真正的快樂 你的傷從不肯完全的癒合
我站在你左側 卻像隔著銀河
難道就真的抱著遺憾一直到老了 然後才後悔著

你值得真正的快樂 你應該脫下你穿的保護色
為什麼失去了 還要被懲罰呢
能不能就讓 悲傷全部 結束在此刻 重新開始活著

Oh yeah!

I just went for my checkup today. The lab results shows that I am NOT suffering from Endometriosis. OH YEAH! Meaning I need not go through long term medication and injections.

From my operation, 2 left ovarian cystic fragments 2.3 and 4.0cm, together with 4.0 X 3.5 X 2.0cm were removed. The lab test showed them to be serous cystadenofibroma. Very chim right. I also think so.

Serous cystadenofibroma is simply serous cystadenoma with fibroma. Meaning it is a combination cyst. Serous cystadenoma is one of the commonest non-cancerous cysts, among 60 different types.

Serous cystadenoma contain fluid rich in protein, resembling blood serum; often there are papillary or finger-like growths inside the cyst wall. In 15% of patients, cysts are found in both ovaries. The risk of developing into cancer at a later stage is as high as 30%.

Source: Handout from Dr Fong

I am glad that my cyst is removed early.

After the Operation

Hello peeps, thanx a lot for all the smses and phone calls and tagboard messages and offline messages. I am fine. :)

After removing the cyst, Dr Fong mentioned to my mother that it doesn't look like the typical chocolate cyst. Though I know I shouldn't doubt my gynae's professional judgement, I am still going to wait till the results are out on Tuesday before I concluded that I am not going to go for longterm medication and injections.

Other than feeling super drowsy and moving super slowly (like an expecting mother), I am generally fine with my wounds still hurting a bit. Coz of this op, I had to regretfully miss several events, eg steamboat at YY's and of coz Bintan trip. Haiz. When will I go for my next holiday?

Anyway, took some pics when I was really boh liao in the hospital.

Pic of hamper from my company (pic taken from my bed)
Love the Tigger balloon. :D I think that it helps to brighten up my dull room a bit.

My drip (apparently can't show my drainage -- my cyst removing wound)

Sister brought me 橘子 pouch from cartoon 我們這一家. Love it! :D

As you can see, I really love it. (Trying not to act sick)

Yes, a bit 臉色蒼白 when stopped trying to act healthy. My mum was nearly scared out of her wits when I started crying when I came out of the Operating Theatre. I cried coz I was feeling numb and super cold (my teeth were chattering), I was even worrying that I can't get down the operating theatre bed to get onto my ward bed. Needless to say, my 臉色 was more 蒼白 than this.

But don't worry, I will be fine. (yes yes, I still can 自戀 means that I am still ok)

Initally I still brought home some work, thinking that I will be up on my feet the next day. Apparently no such luck. Even blogging such a short entry like this tires me out with bodyaches and all. I think I will be napping soon. =/

After the operation, sleeping becomes my favourite hobby, porridge and fish becomes my favourite food, and painkillers, Yoko Yoko and my pig head are my best friends. (pig head = the Minitoon massage stick. see below for illustration)

Pic taken from Minitoon website

Ok, its napping time!

Updates

Herm.. Noticed that I haven't been blogging for quite some time (and also shun bian waiting for my nail polish to dry). So here are the updates:

Health-related
As some of you might have known, I was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst sometime back. I just went for a 2nd checkup and scan last Tuesday (30 September 2008). Result is that I will need a keyhole operation, which is going to be on the coming Thursday, 9 October 2008. The reason being that the operation needs to be done between my periods.

My cyst did not shrink, instead, it grew 7mm over a period of 3 months. Hence, my gynae told me that I could be suffering from Endometriosis. This condition is strongly related to infertility and has a high chance of reoccurance. Hence, if my cyst is really endometriotic (only will know after my gynae sends my cyst for test), I will be required to take medication for 6 months to fake menopause (meaning no periods), and then take hormone injections until I am married to prevent endometriosis from reoccuring. Why until I am married is because endometriosis is usually controlled after pregnancy due to the constant high levels of female hormones produced in pregnancy.

Had another attack of "left appendix pain". :( Note: Appendix is situated on the right, but my left is hurting simply because of the cyst. The cyst is also causing backache and "gastric pain" (pain in between S and Y), because it is situated near my big intestine, during my period. Generally when my period comes, I suffer whole bodyaches. Sometimes so bad that I can't sleep at night.

Because of my surgery, I am also forced to opt out of Bintan trip, which is supposed to be on 25th to 27th October (the golden long weekend). *sad but there is nothing I can do* Huishan comforted me in telling me that there will be other chances where I can go on holiday with them. I told her that I would love to go on holidays with them, but judging on my luck, I think maybe I might have other problems then. [Yes, I am pessimistic, but honestly speaking, I don't think anyone in my shoes will not be, and I am not just referring to cyst problem.]

Source: http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/diseases/facts/endometriosis.htm

Work-related
So far everything is fine -- my colleagues and bosses are friendly. But I still have a lot to learn.

I have finally reached a conclusion last night. There are a million and one things I can't control. Including how people feel and think, my health, and what's going to happen in the next second. But there is always one single thing I can control. I can control my working attitude though I can't control how my boss thinks about me. (Not that she don't like me; it is just a statement) Hence in a way, I can control my career.

Therefore, I've decided to be more career-orientated. I think that this is probably one of the few areas whereby effort can be equated to results. But then again, not all careers generate efforts into results. A good example would be my working as a recruitment agent in the past. For sales job I still think that luck plays a very important role. For my current job, I think and hope that my efforts will most probably pay off.